On saying goodbye

I always have the hardest time saying goodbye to N. when it’s time for one of us to leave after a weekend together. I can usually hold it together until I’m on the bus or N. is on the train, but I am usually a teary mess for a little bit after that, and close to tears for the rest of the day. It’s just harsh going from spending a whole weekend together, 24/7, back to everyday work and evenings spent home alone.

N. knows, of course, and a while ago he said he wished I didn’t get so upset every time we say goodbye, like we would never see each other again. He told me that for him it isn’t that bad because he knows that we will be spending lots more time together in our lives, and that makes saying goodbye now seem kind of insignificant. [It’s been a few weeks since he said this so I’m paraphrasing roughly here, but you get the idea.]

Keeping this idea in mind the last time we said goodbye a week ago (has it really only been a week? It seems like so much longer!), the separation was so much easier for me. I was much less upset. I was happy about the time we spent together, the next time we would see each other, seeing and talking to N. on Facetime that night, and all the time we would get to spend together in the future.

It may also be that our long-distance relationship is getting closer to becoming a normal relationship with every day that passes that it was easier to say goodbye, and knowing that in just a little over two weeks, N. will be coming here for 2 1/2 weeks.

But it sort of felt like an epiphany. It was almost like a whole new way of thinking about it.

I think there is still some part of me that is waiting for the other shoe to drop, that is holding my breath expecting something to go wrong. It has nothing to do with N., he is not giving me any reason to feel insecure. It is simply me and my emotional “baggage” – being in a solid, steady relationship is a new experience for me. Sometimes it almost seems to good to be true. But I know that is just my insecurity speaking. I love N. and I know that he loves me (another new experience), and I think I had better get used to the idea that we are in this for the long haul.

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One thought on “On saying goodbye

  1. I think that’s completely normal…..and yes, of course you wait for the other shoe to drop initially.. I had the fortune to be in the same city with the Englishman for over a year before he moved, but those first good byes were awful…and then it became rather normal…even with the 7 hour flight…..:) March is coming fast!

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